Spare Ribs - Radio Edit

Adam is rummaging around The Glade, chewing on something chewy. in the background, Birds chirp and streams gurgle.  The Glade is idyllic.

F/X:                                                    a cackle of thunder, flapping wings and a whoosh of     passing wind.

GOD:                                      Don't get excited.  It's a flying visit.

God sounds like a cross between Robert De Niro and Mel Brooks.

ADAM :                                  Howdy.

whereas Adam is more the simple Texan type.

GOD:                                     Howdy?  What's howdy all of a sudden? A word before doody?  What's the matter with you?  On second thoughts, I don't wanna know.

ADAM:                                   I'm hot.

GOD:                                      I said I don't wanna know.    

ADAM:                                   I swear it must be over a hundred in the shade.   

GOD:                                     So stay outta the shade.      

ADAM:                                   My lungs feel like they're roasting.  All morning I've been breathing fire.           

GOD:                                     So join a circus.        

ADAM:                                   I swear an egg fell out of a tree last week and landed smack on my forehead.  Fried right where it was.  I just stood there with egg all over my face!

GOD:                                      Now you know how I feel.  Besides, this ain't hot.  This is the Garden of Eden.  It’s pleasant.  It's tropical.  It’s poyfect.

F/X:                                                    a gentle lullaby of tweeting birds.

ADAM:                                   Can’t a guy complain once in a while?

GOD:                                      Once in a while would be nice.  Every other minute is a curse!  You think you're hot, you wanna maybe trade places with Lucifer?  Now there's hot.

ADAM:                                   Can't you just turn down the heat or something?

GOD:                                     While you turn up the heat on me?!

ADAM:                                   (BEAT) You know, thinking about it, I’m actually fed up with Eden.

GOD:                                     (ASTOUNDED) YOU’RE FED UP WITH EDEN?!

ADAM:                                   All this sunshine …

GOD:                                      More like you're fed up on Eden!  Just look at this place.  Everywhere you look is looking sparse.  What did you have for breakfast, Africa?

ADAM:                                   Can't you appreciate my complaint?

GOD:                                      What's there to appreciate about complaining? Besides, you weren't so hot swinging through the trees last weekend.

F/X:                                                    a falling whistle and a rustling crash.

ADAM:                                   Hey, that wasn't my fault ...  Don't try and pin that one on me!  I swear that branch just popped up from nowhere.  Whoosh!  From nowhere.  I was lucky I didn't break my neck!  Knocked the wind right outta me.   

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) I'm glad to hear something does.

ADAM:                                   Now that you mention it, my ribs are still hurting even now.

GOD:                                      I didn't mention it.

ADAM:                                   Maybe I bust a gut.

GOD:                                      Tell me about it!  On second thoughts, I don't wanna hear no more of your moaning.

ADAM:                                   You know, maybe if I had peripheral vision I would've seen the tree.

F/X:                                                    the ‘ploop-ploop’ of sonar.

GOD:                                      Forget it.  I have peripheral vision and I don't see it coming.

ADAM:                                   Bam!  From nowhere.  A branch as big as my leg.  I swear it wasn't there a second earlier ...

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) He's moaning.  I spoycifically commanded no moaning.

ADAM:                                   Come to think of it, I don't even think the tree was there a second earlier!  You know, this place isn’t safe any more.

GOD:                                      Eden ain't safe here any more?! … You think this is a bad neighbourhood. Wait'll you see the Bronx.

ADAM:                                   I swear you gotta stop creating!

F/X:                                                    fake audience: shocked gasp.

GOD:                                      You know something?  If you held your breath every time you swore you'd be blue in the face already.

ADAM:                                   With this heat?  Who're you trying to kid?

GOD:                                      Me, myself, more and more.  I swear if you keep on swearing like that you’ll asphyxiate inside a week.  Maybe it’d be for the better. 

ADAM:                                   I only swear to make a point.

GOD:                                      Quit already.  If your tongue gets any sharper I’ll be forced to rename you Lance.

ADAM:                                   Hey, I've been meaning to ask you about that.  Why call me Adam?  Why Adam Human?

GOD:                                      Why?  I'll tell you why.  Because everything has a name.  Like Bunny Rabbit and Teddy Bear.  Like Pussy Cat and Dolly Boyd.  Like Chilli Dog and A Damn Human !!!

F/X:                                                    fake audience: disappointed sighs.

ADAM:                                   Ho, ho, ho.  You're so funny my ribs ache.  Anyway, I swear the whole damned tree wasn't there a second earlier.         

GOD:                                      You ... you need your eyes examining.  Me, I need my head examining.

ADAM:                                   I swear every time I wake up something's moved.  I went to sleep last night under a sapling and woke up this morning with my head in the clouds.

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) That ain't like him.

ADAM:                                   Two hundred feet up.  With the birds.  I could see for miles.

F/X:                                                    the cries of distant birds

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) I give him a penthouse with a view and still he moans.

ADAM:                                   Those things should take hundreds of years to reach that size!

GOD:                                      Maybe you slept in.

adam cluttches his stomach.

ADAM:                                   Ahhhh!!!

GOD:                                      What's the matter with you?

ADAM:                                   It's that tree!

GOD:                                      You're sore because of a tree?  How many did you eat?

ADAM:                                   It's my ribs! … I think I cracked one.           

GOD:                                      Take my advice: You should try looking where you're swinging.  It’s your own fault.

ADAM:                                   My fault?!  You’re the one creating!

GOD:                                      I am? … Go ahead – why don’t you blame me for everything.  Volcanism, earthquakes, rogue asteroids … 'It's an act of God' they'll say.  Pretty soon my name won't mean putz.  Trust me.

ADAM:                                   (IRKED) Me, I was born faultless, flawless and blameless.

GOD:                                      Don't forget hopeless.  All the same, that's a lot of 'lesses'.  No wonder you're lacking.  You're the only creature on Earth where more means less and vice voysa.  Besides, I’m sick of telling you - you weren't born.  You were created.

ADAM:                                   Oh yeah?  And my name's Nancy!  Of course I was born!  I have a naval, don't I?

GOD:                                      Nancy, the last time I looked you had no naval.

ADAM:                                   So what's this?

GOD:                                      (PAUSE) Something to keep your fluff in?  A dimple?  How the heck should I know?  Where I come from that ain't no naval.

ADAM:                                   It ain't no naval?

GOD:                                      What, is there an echo out here?

ADAM:                                   It sure looks like a naval.

GOD:                                      You look like a human being but you're actually a human moaning.

ADAM:                                   Sheesh, well what do you know?  All this time I thought it was a naval.  It had me fooled.

GOD:                                      Nancy, the mice have you fooled.  You shouldn't believe everything you're told.

ADAM:                                   Like maybe this ain't no naval?

GOD:                                      Where'd you learn sarcasm like that?

ADAM:                                   I got a free subscription to the Book of the Month Club?  … It sure looks like a naval.

GOD:                                      It looked like your backside 'til I moved your backside back side.  And that ain't easy to say even for someone omnipotent.

F/X:                                                    fake audience: applause and cheers.

ADAM:                                   So ... I was created ...

GOD:                                      You got it, bub.  Let's leave it at that.

ADAM:                                   From what?

GOD:                                      What are we doing here, exchanging recipes?  From whatever.  That's what.  Now let's leave it at that.

ADAM:                                   From a monkey?

F/X:                                                    the hoop-hooping of a baboon.

GOD:                                      What, from a monkey?

ADAM:                                   Me.  From a monkey ... From evolution.

GOD:                                      Say what?  Where'd you hear something so ridiculous?

ADAM:                                   The Serpent told me.

GOD:                                      (SHOCKED) The Soypent told you?!

ADAM:                                   Sure.  Darwinism, natural selection, survival of the fittest ... (PLEASED) Pretty cool, really.

GOD:                                      Keep away from the Soypent!

ADAM:                                   It seems to know a lot about evolution.

GOD:                                      So It knows a lot about something unproven.  Where's the brains in that?  It can theorise all It likes.  Theories don’t make professors.

ADAM:                                   (BEAT) Don’t they?

GOD:                                      You know a lot about food but it don't make you a dietician. Speaking of which, what’s that you’re nibbling?

ADAM:                                   I dunno.  But it tastes sort of yuck.

GOD:                                      I ain't surprised; that's the dog's chew!

F/X:                                                    a distant wolf howl.

ADAM:                                   You mean he eats this stuff?

GOD:                                      He would if you stopped!  Have you seen him lately?  When he turns side-on you can see the sunlight coming through his ribs.  If he loses any more weight you could fly him like a kite.  The truth is, you're always hungry.  If you stopped being hungry I'd think maybe you'd choked to death.

ADAM:                                   To ... what?

GOD:                                      To death.  It's something I've been toying with.  You know, like when something comes to an end.

ADAM:                                   Like dinnertime?

GOD:                                      Trust me, for you that never ends.  I'm talking finality.  A complete cessation to the process of life.  Death.  As dead as a dinosaur.  Get the picture?

ADAM:                                   You mean like ... erm ... like stopping me from working?

GOD:                                      Since when did you start?  The only thing you've been working on is your appetite!  You should try going on hunger strike once in a while.  Let the rest of Creation take a bite.

ADAM:                                   Will I dream? 

GOD:                                      When?

ADAM:                                   When I'm in this death thing.

GOD:                                      Do you dream now?

ADAM:                                   No.

GOD:                                      Then don't count on it.

ADAM:                                   Can I think it over?

GOD:                                      Over what, brunch?  We'll be here 'til Doomsday!

ADAM:                                   I'm not sure about this.  It all sounds a bit fishy if you ask me.  What will it be like?

GOD:                                      (DREAMY) It'll be poyfect.

ADAM:                                   It will?  Perfectly what?

GOD:                                      (EVEN DREAMIER) It'll be poyfectly peaceful.

ADAM:                                   It'll be perfectly peaceful?

GOD:                                      For me  it'll be poyfectly peaceful.  For you it'll be poyfectly nothing.

ADAM:                                   AhHhh!!!      

GOD:                                      What's the matter now?

ADAM:                                   It's my chest!  My bust rib!  I dunno!!

GOD:                                      Try indigestion.  There ... that's another one to add to your list.  EATLESS .  Have you seen the size of your butt recently?  You bent down last week and caused an eclipse.

ADAM:                                   (ANGRY) Boy, you make me mad sometimes!

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) And I thought the revolt came later in the story. (BEAT) Wait a minute.  Wait a minute.  I got an oygent message coming in. (BEAT) Oops; I gotta dash.

ADAM:                                   Well ain’t that convenient.  What is it this time?  Collapsing stars?  Rampaging black holes?  Colliding planets?

GOD:                                      No.  I forgot my appointment with my shrink.

F/X:                                                    thunder cracking and wings beating  (as God departs)

Fade

SCENE  2.

Adam is munching away.  in the background birds sing and streams gurgle.

F/X:                                                    thunder cracks and something sizzles.

God returns, coughing and wafting away the smoke from his arrival.

GOD:                                      I gotta get that fixed.

ADAM:                                   How’s the shrink?

GOD:                                      The shrink?  The shrink’s deflated.

ADAM:                                   Poor sap.

GOD:                                      What can I say?  I changed my mind about stopping the Universe from expanding indefinitely.  So I trimmed the shrink’s contract and put it in the wheat.  Now, instead of collapsing the Universe, it reduces cholesterol by up to fifty poycent.

ADAM:                                   That’s quite a come down.

GOD:                                      Ain’t that the truth.

ADAM:                                   You know, I swear I think I bust a rib.

GOD:                                      It's probably something you ate.  Like Bolivia.  You should try eating less often … more often.

ADAM:                                   Gee, you're in a mood today.  I'm writhing in agony here and you're grouchy.

GOD:                                      Forgive me.  I was aiming for disgruntled.  Besides, you don't need a God, you need an Agony Aunt.  Maybe I should create you a rongwidyoo.

ADAM:                                   What's a rongwidyoo?

GOD:                                      Nothing.  What's a wrong with you?

F/X:                                                    fake audience: disappointed noises.

(BEAT) What's the matter?  You can stomach everything else but you can't digest humour?

ADAM:                                   You're taking a swipe at me again.

GOD:                                      Trust me, I took a swipe at the dinosaurs.  With you I'm play fighting.

ADAM:                                   Gee, I really think I bust a rib you know.

GOD:                                      Want me to fix it up?

ADAM:                                   Will it hurt?

GOD:                                      Only if I want it to.

ADAM:                                   Maybe later.  Anyway, I’m lonely.

GOD:                                      I gave you a dog, didn’t I?

ADAM:                                   I don’t want to talk about Fido.

GOD:                                      You don’t wanna talk about Fido?

ADAM:                                   He has his own agenda.

GOD:                                      The mutt has an agenda?

ADAM:                                   We have an agreement.

GOD:                                      You have an agreement?  With the mutt?  What kind of an agreement?

ADAM:                                   I don't want to discuss it.

GOD:                                      You don't wanna discuss it?  Have the two of you been falling out?

ADAM:                                   He has his own agenda.

GOD:                                      You said that already.

ADAM:                                   We have an agreement.

GOD:                                      Ay-ya-ya!  Then find someone more like you!

ADAM:                                   He's loyal.

GOD:                                      I said more like you. 

ADAM:                                   He's loving.

GOD:                                      You don't get it, do you?

ADAM:                                   He's good company.

GOD:                                      So what's your problem?

ADAM:                                   He isn't Man!

GOD:                                      (AGHAST) You want another man ?!!!

ADAM:                                   Not necessarily.

GOD:                                      Not necessarily?!!  Hold still while I check your chromosomal balance.

adam shakes god off.

ADAM:                                   Get off of me!  I'm okay!  It's just that I'm the only one of me there is.  I swear I've searched everywhere.  There's no-one else remotely like me.

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) And they say miracles are outta fashion.

ADAM:                                   I'm serious.  All the other creatures have partners.  I want someone like me but different.  Someone about THIS high, maybe brunette, with a slim build and softer edges … Man but not a man.  Someone like me, human, but ... I dunno ... complementary.

GOD:                                      Take my advice, if you want someone to pay you compliments try being nice for a change.

ADAM:                                   All the other animals have female partners.

F/X:                                                    startled chickens squawk.

GOD:                                      HOLD IT!  Back up.  Rewind.  In fact, hold it, back up AND rewind!

ADAM:                                   What?  What?  What did I say?

GOD:                                      It was more of what you implied.

ADAM:                                   All I said was –

GOD:                                      I don't wanna know what you said!  Trust me.  You don't wanna go down that road.  It leads to doom and constant heartache.  You're talking woe, Man.

ADAM:                                   I am?  I'm talking woe-man?

GOD:                                      Yeah.  Whoaaa-mannn!  Like no turning back.

ADAM:                                   Woe-man?

GOD:                                      Kinda.  In more ways than one.

ADAM:                                   Woe-man.  Woeman.  Woman.  Hey, that sounds kinda cute!  How about it?

GOD:                                      About THIS high, maybe brunette, and pleasantly slim?

ADAM:                                   You got it!

GOD:                                      A complementary human being, only softer?

ADAM:                                   (EXCITED) Yeah, yeah!

GOD:                                      Someone you can share your life with 'til death do you part?

ADAM:                                   OH YEAH!

GOD:                                      FORGET IT!

ADAM:                                   Forget it?

GOD:                                      NO!

ADAM:                                   No?!

GOD:                                      Absolutely no!  You think I'm THAT crazy?

ADAM:                                   I'll settle for a quick fix.

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) Certainly I could fix it quick.  But it'll never be poyfect.

ADAM:                                   Can't you just run off another copy or something?

GOD:                                      I prefer the something.  Besides, when I made you I broke the mould.

ADAM:                                   (PLEASED) Gee, that's kinda flattering.   

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) I swore I'd never make the same mistake twice.

ADAM:                                   Hey, you could always use some of me.

GOD:                                      Some of you?  What part of you can you function without?  Your brain?

ADAM:                                   It'll have to be something I don't use often.

GOD:                                      How about your humility?

ADAM:                                   Something I can live without.

GOD:                                      Me?

ADAM:                                   It'll have to be something I won't miss.

GOD:                                      That rules out breakfast, lunch and dinner.

ADAM:                                   I've got it!

F/X:                                                    trumpeted fanfare.

                                                My weak bust ribs I bust last week!

GOD:                                      Your doo-be-doo-be-doo you didly-didly-dum?

ADAM:                                   Exactly!  You could use my bust ribs!  Why didn’t I think of it before?!  They're prime Me, but they're no use to me now.  Not all bust up like this.  You could whip them right out and grow me a woman!  What do you reckon?

GOD:                                      I reckon maybe I'm crazy.  How's that for a reckoning?

ADAM:                                   I'd stop moaning.

GOD:                                      You'd stop you moaning?  For how long?

ADAM:                                   Permanently. 

GOD:                                      Poymanently how long?

ADAM:                                   Gee, I dunno.  (BEAT) As long as there's Eden?

GOD:                                      That poymanently?

ADAM:                                   You betcha!

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) I betcha?

ADAM:                                   I mean it.  You'll see a new improved me.

GOD:                                      That's my worry.  A new you, only with added woe.

ADAM:                                   Come on, just think about it ...

GOD:                                      I'm thinking!  I'm thinking! ... (PAUSE)  All right.  Maybe it ain't such a bad idea.  Maybe it'll slow down your appetite.  Maybe it'll give me a little peace once in a while ... All right.  I'll do it.

ADAM:                                   What, now?

GOD:                                      Hell, now.

ADAM:                                   Well, okay.  But don't hurt me.  You know I hate pain.

GOD:                                      Would I do such a thing?  Just lie down.

adam lies down.

F/X:                                                    leaves being brushed aside.

ADAM:                                   Now I'm trusting you on this one.  You do know what you’re doing?

GOD:                                      I’ve got the scrolls to prove it.

ADAM:                                   Well, all right.  But no pain.  You hear?

GOD:                                      What's the matter with you?  I made you numb from the neck up, didn’t I?  Now just settle down and relax.  Close your eyes ... That’s right …

ADAM:                                   (BEAT) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

F/X:                                                    fake audience: shocked gasp.

GOD:                                      (BEAT) Ouch.  Somebody got a bandaid?

F/X:                                                    birds twittering / breeze blowing.

fade

SCENE  3.

Eve wanders around the Glade, calling out for Adam.

EVE:                                       Aaadam?  Aaaaadam!  Yo, Aadam!  Where in Eden are you?

she has a californian lilt.

F/X:                                                    a fizzling crack of thunder.

GOD:                                      What’s with all this noise already?  It's Sunday.  Can’t a Creator have a lie in?

EVE:                                       It's Adam.

GOD:                                      Do my eyes deceive me?  You sure don’t look like Adam.  Okay, so I’ve been calling him Nancy lately.  If that makes me a name-caller, what does that make him?

EVE:                                       (EXASPERATED) Do I look like Adam?

GOD:                                      Ay-ya-ya!  You know something?  If Adam looked this good I woulda kept him singular!  (BEAT) Now you mention it, you kinda look like that babe of his.  What's your name, Goytrude?

EVE:                                       Oh, please!  Not the Gertrude thing.  Please don't start that again!

GOD:                                      Cut me some slack here, Lady; I wasn't finished from the last time.  To me, you look like a Goytrude.

EVE:                                       You know perfectly well what my name is!  It just sticks in your throat.

GOD:                                      I don't remember you being called Mucus.  Goytrude maybe.  But never Mucus.

EVE:                                       Go on.  Get it off your chest.  You won't be happy 'til you've got me out of your system.          

GOD:                                      Lady, I won't be happy 'til I got you outta my solar system!  Ain’t that the truth!

EVE:                                       You know, that’s a downright low and nasty thing to say.  Now if you’ll excuse me I’m looking for Adam.

god rummages around the leafy glade.

GOD:                                      (PAUSE) Don't you ever clean this place up?

EVE:                                       We like it.  It’s homely.

GOD:                                      This is homely?  Chintz is homely.  This is some new meaning of the word squalor I never knew before.

EVE:                                       Go ahead.  Rip the place to pieces.

GOD:                                      Maybe I would, but somebody beat me to it.

F/X:                                                    fake audience: a solitary giggle.

EVE:                                       Are you deliberately trying to be offensive?

GOD:                                      Lady, if I wanted to offend you I woulda said your hair's a mess.

EVE:                                       You just did!

GOD:                                      Babe, I rest my case.

EVE:                                       (FURIOUS) Babe?!  BABE?!!  Now you really are doing your best to insult me!

GOD:                                      Trust me, if I was doing my best you'd know about it.  It would be raining insults.  By now you’d be knee deep in love handle gibes and big butt butts.

EVE:                                       Do me a favour and perform your notorious vanishing act. DIS-A-PPEAR!

F/X:                                                    fake audience: worried oooh’s.

GOD:                                      You gotta an attitude, Lady.

EVE:                                       I've got an attitude??  Give me a break!

GOD:                                      Not while I’m God.  I gave Adam a break and look where it landed me.  I doubled my misfortune over night.

EVE:                                       Gripe all you like, you can’t deny I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to Adam.  He was lost ‘til I came along.  Aimless.

GOD:                                      Remind me to add that one to his growing list of ‘lesses’.

EVE:                                       Adam was feeling empty within.

GOD:                                      With his appetite?

EVE:                                       All I’m saying is I opened his eyes!

GOD:                                      Lady, you opened my eyes!

EVE:                                       And your trouble is you can’t stand it.  Look at you.  You can’t stand the fact I’ve replaced you in Adam’s favour!  Adam worships me!

GOD:                                      Infatuation is a passing thing.  Besides, he’ll come creeping back to me with his tail between his legs.

EVE:                                       (SQUARING UP) You underestimate me!

GOD:                                      Lady, I underestimated my own creativity!  What was I thinking?  Instead of making you shameless I shoulda made you mouth-less.

EVE:                                       Admit it.  Your overprotection stifles him.  I realise it must be difficult for you, but you’ve got to learn to let go.

GOD:                                      Next time you’re swinging through the trees - that long bit above the ravine - take your own advice. Goodbye Goytrude, hello death.

F/X:                                                    tarzan swings and falls to a thud.

EVE:                                       Oh, and that’s another thing.  Adam tells me you’ve conjured up this new concept of non-existence and hid it inside us - deep in here - in something called a gene pairing.

GOD:                                      (SURPRISED) He did?  (CLOSE) What would a bum in a loin cloth know about a pair of jeans?

EVE:                                       Is it true?

GOD:                                      Naturally it’s true.  Dirty my pond and I pull the plug.

EVE:                                       Like you did with the dinosaurs?

GOD:                                      (EXPOSED) He told you about that?

EVE:                                       We tell each other everything.

GOD:                                      Make the most of it; it won’t last.  Besides, it’s called artistic licence.

EVE:                                       Don’t you have to have one of those to practice in this state?

GOD:                                      Lady, it’s because of you I’m always in this state!  Besides, practice makes poyfect.

EVE:                                       What is the matter with you?

GOD:                                      What's the matter with me?  What’s the matter with me?  You’re asking me what’s the matter with me?  What's the matter with you asking me what's the matter with me?  I'm your Creator, for Heaven's sakes!  Don’t steal my lines!

EVE:                                       What did I ever do to warrant such malice?

GOD:                                      You really wanna know?

EVE:                                       It would save heck of a lot of all this bickering!

GOD:                                      All right.

F/X:                                                    background: angels chorusing.

(BEAT) Word has it I used to be a Creator of some distinction.  Earth in a day.  Life in the next.  My creatures depended on me.  They looked up to me for emotional support.  They loved me.  Especially the higher life forms.

EVE:                                       Like Adam?

GOD:                                      I said especially the higher life forms.  But since you mention him ... yes.  I admit, things with Adam ain’t what they used to be.

EVE:                                       Oh I see.  Since you created me you feel neglected?

(pause) silence …

GOD:                                      Don’t get me wrong, Lady.  I ain’t complaining about Adam not calling me like I’m used to.  If anything, I fill the spare time up with things I enjoy.

EVE:                                       But when it comes to emotional support I’ve made you redundant?

GOD:                                      (RATTLED) Hey.  I still tinker.  I still potter around.  Pot a few black holes at the weekends.  Watch reruns of past extinctions.  Holiday in Florida sixth months outta the year.  You know what I’m saying?

EVE:                                       Isn’t there a term for your condition?

GOD:                                      Sure there is.  Early retirement.

EVE:                                       I was thinking more on the lines of jealousy?!  (BEAT) You don't like me.  Do you?

GOD:                                      Visually?

EVE:                                       Visually?

GOD:                                      Visually you’re poyfect.

EVE:                                       Internally?

GOD:                                      Internally you’re poyfect.

EVE:                                       Spiritually?

GOD:                                      Spiritually you’re poyfect.

EVE:                                       So what’s the problem?!

GOD:                                      Personally?

EVE:                                       Personally.

GOD:                                      Personably you’re impoyfect.

F/X:                                                    fake audience: a lone whooper.

EVE:                                       And so on and on it goes.  For ever and a day.  One big vicious circle.

GOD:                                      Lady, you shouldn’t talk about your mouth like that.

EVE:                                       You know, if I wasn't such a lady I'd punch you in the mouth!

GOD:                                      And if you carry on being such a mouth I’ll punch myself in the mouth for making you such a lady!

EVE:                                       You’re ridiculous.  You know that?  Blatantly ridiculous.  No, scratch that.  Sometimes you’re nothing but a clown.  

GOD:                                      Coming from someone with dried fruit juice all over her face I’ll take that as a compliment.

EVE:                                       And what’s wrong with my make-up?

GOD:                                      That’s make up?  Where I come from that ain’t no make-up.  For a minute I thought maybe you were the victim of an exploding pomegranate.

eve returns to pacing the glade.

EVE:                                       Please go away.  You’re irritating me.

GOD:                                      What's the matter with you?  Can’t you take a joke?

EVE:                                       Can’t you take a hint?  I’ve just about had all I can take of this!  For once, just lay it right on the line.  No holes barred.  The plain, undiluted, smack-me-in-the-mouth truth!  What problem have you got with me?

GOD:                                      It’s a big one.  You really wanna know?

EVE:                                       I REALLY WANNA KNOW!

GOD:                                      I ain’t holding this back now.

EVE:                                       It’s never stopped you before!

GOD:                                      Okay.  Here goes ... You ready?

EVE:                                       You betcha!!!

F/X:                                                    trumpeted fanfare.

GOD:                                      (BEAT) You ... You fraternise with the Soypent.  That’s what you do.

EVE:                                       (PAUSE) You mean all this unending venomous sarcasm stems from me being chatty with Lucy?!!

GOD:                                      Hello?  Did I miss something here?  Who’s Lucy all of a sudden?

EVE:                                       The Serpent.

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) The Soypent’s called Lucy?  This comedy is rapidly becoming a farce.

EVE:                                       Besides, we were only discussing fruit.     

GOD:                                      It don’t matter if you were planning me a surprise birthday party! You don’t wanna be playing no bosom buddies with ... (PAUSE) Which fruit?

EVE:                                       (EVASIVE) Oh, you know … Just fruit fruit.

GOD:                                      Fruit fruit?  From which tree tree?

EVE:                                       Does it matter?

GOD:                                      Indulge me.

EVE:                                       From ... You know? ... Round about.

GOD:                                      From maybe round about the middle of Eden round about?

EVE:                                       Maybe.

GOD:                                      What have I told you already?!  That poyticular tree is outta bounds!

EVE:                                       Lucy says it’s the best in Eden.

GOD:                                      Listen, Lady, I ain’t fooling here.  That fruit’s foybidden.  One bite and you’re history.  If anything happens to Adam I promise I’ll make your life hell on a monthly basis!

EVE:                                       You know what you are?

GOD:                                      Your Creator?

EVE:                                       You're UNBELIEVABLE!

GOD:                                      What can I say?  I'm a deity.  Being unbelievable comes with the job. (BEAT) Now excuse me.  There’s a natural disaster that needs a little nudge in the right direction.

EVE:                                       Go ahead … run away!  Just when I was warming up!

GOD:                                      Lady, you’re gonna need all the warmth you can muster.  Hear that sound?

F/X:                                                    distant creaking rumble.

                                                It’s the inexorable encroachment of ice.  That’s right. The glaciers are moving in as we speak.  Pretty soon you’re gonna be toyminal moraine.  Adios, Goytrude.

F/X:                                                    a sharp clap of thunder.

EVE:                                       You don’t scare me with your threats! … You hear?! … He doesn’t scare me … I’ll show him …

F/X:                                                    brids tweeting / waters flowing.

fade

SCENE  4.

Adam enters the Glade and Eve rushes to greet him.

ADAM:                                   Honey, I’m home.

EVE:                                       (FEARFUL) Adam!  Where have you been?  I was worried.  You’re late.

ADAM:                                   Calm down, honey.  What’s got you all worked up like this?

EVE:                                       (PARANOID) Did anyone follow you home?

ADAM:                                   Just a few lemmings.  The usual roadies.

EVE:                                       Adam, I thought something terrible had happened!

ADAM:                                   I hate to tell you this, honey, but something terrible did happen.  A few of us dropped into the watering hole, and I got talked into buying the drinks again.  Damned cheetahs.

F/X:                                                    hyenas laughing.

EVE:                                       Did anyone see you?

ADAM:                                   Maybe some gators playing pool.

EVE:                                       No, I mean, after that.  Did you run into anyone on the way home?

ADAM:                                   Not tonight, honey.  Yesterday I ran into a sloth crossing the trail.  I said I was sorry.  The poor thing was knocked out cold.

EVE:                                       What about work?  Was everything there ... normal?

ADAM:                                   (THINKING) Milk yield was down fifteen percent, third day running.  Oh, and the lions put the wolves in as middle management. (BEAT) I swear that place is going to the dogs.

EVE:                                       No, you know … divine visits?

ADAM:                                   Honey, is this leading to something?

EVE:                                       No.  No.  I just think they take advantage of you, Adam.

ADAM:                                   You’re right.  I hate the way those fat cats lap up all the profits.

EVE:                                       Something should be done about those mangy lions.  I’m tired of you slaving your guts out for peanuts all the time.

ADAM:                                   Me too.  So guess what?  I complained.  They said they could switch me from peanuts to raisins if I liked, but even that was a dated currency.  I guess they know best.

EVE:                                       That’s just it, Adam, they don’t!  You just can’t see it ... not yet!  You’re infinitely better than them.  On a par with God.  More up here.

ADAM:                                   I dunno ... In the mane those lions are pretty well endowed.  Both up here and down there.  I can’t really compete …

EVE:                                       But you’re the one at the top of the food chain!

ADAM:                                   Honey, I hate to tell you this, but I was at the back of the queue for lunch.

EVE:                                       (INTENSE) Listen to me!  Something extraordinary happened to me today.  Something that changed me forever.  A revelatory experience!  It was profound.  Incredible.

ADAM:                                   Don’t tell me the sharks bought your book?

EVE:                                       (DREAMY) Something … unbelievable.

ADAM:                                   They offered the film rights to Fox?

EVE:                                       Adam! ... The silt was removed from my eyes!  Look at me.  Do I look different to you?

ADAM:                                   Mmm ... Is that cherry lipstick new?

EVE:                                       Look at my eyes, Adam!  MY EYES! ... Can you see the difference?

ADAM:                                   One’s greenish grey and the other’s a murky shade of brown?

EVE:                                       (GIDDY) I’ve been enlightened, Adam! ... Enlightened! ... It’s like I can visualise everything clearly for the first time! ... Without the glaze of naivety blurring my senses! ... I can see things I never saw before! ... The true nature of things! ...  The brutal, hard-hitting facts about all of Creation! ... The good, the bad, and the –

ADAM:                                   Ugly?

EVE:                                       It’s all so perfectly clear! ... Everything makes sense now! ... I can see what must be done! ... We can’t pussyfoot around the rest of nature any more! ... (PAUSE) Adam, we’ve got to take control of Eden!  

F/X:                                                    distant roll of thunder.

ADAM:                                   You mean beat those lions at their own game?  I don’t know if I’m any good at playing tag with the zebras, honey.  They always give me the hoof.

EVE:                                       From now on we’re in charge!

ADAM:                                   We are?  Since when?

EVE:                                       Since this!

F/X:                                                    distant grumble of thunder.

ADAM:                                   Since an apple?

EVE:                                       It’s not just any ordinary apple, Adam.  This is our future.

ADAM:                                   Well, what do you know?  I’m a father! ... Okay, so our baby looks like an apple, but I’m not complaining!  Can I hold it?

EVE:                                       Here.  Eat it.

F/X:                                                    another distant howl of thunder.

ADAM:                                   (APPALLED) Eat the baby?!  Are you sure?!

EVE:                                       Adam.  It’s not a baby.  It’s an apple!  A revolutionary apple!     

ADAM:                                   Can I pick the name?

EVE:                                       Adam!  It’s just an apple for God’s sake!  

F/X:                                                    a crack of nearing thunder.

ADAM:                                   (PRE-OCCUPIED) Koochi-koo.  Hi there, little one.  It’s me ... Daddy.  You sure do smell tasty, little one.

EVE:                                       ADAM!!

ADAM:                                   All right.  All right.  Can’t a fella have some fun with his kid when he comes home from a hard day’s work?

EVE:                                       WILL YOU JUST EAT THE GOD-DAMNED FRUIT!

F/X:                                                    loud crackling thunder.

ADAM:                                   Well, all right.  But I’m warning you, honey, if this gives me indigestion ...

EVE:                                       Adam, the total consumption of the spice trade wouldn’t give you indigestion!  NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP AND EAT!!

F/X:                                                    a bite and a munch.

EVE:                                       Well?

ADAM:                                   (CHEWING) I guess it’s okay.  A little chewy.  A tad fibrous.  But okay.

EVE:                                       Is that it?

ADAM:                                   It smelled better than it tasted.

EVE:                                       Adam, this is the moment of truth.  This is where our lives change for ever.  Can you see it?  Can you see the difference between Good and Evil?

ADAM:                                   The difference between Good and Evil?

EVE:                                       (BEAT) Perhaps your absorption rate’s slower than mine.  Bigger body mass.  Slower metabolism.  We’ll give it a minute.

ADAM:                                   While we’re waiting, can I have another?  

EVE:                                       I thought you said it was too chewy?

ADAM:                                   Hey, if this is all there is for dinner, I ain’t passing it up.

F/X:                                                    another bite,  a gulp and a splutter.

adam clutches his throat, choking.

EVE:                                       Adam?  What’s wrong?

ADAM:                                   It’th thtuck!

EVE:                                       What’s stuck?

ADAM:                                   THE FWUIT!!!  IT’TH THTUCK IN MY FWOAT!!!

F/X:                                                    deafening thunder, stormy wind.

god flaps into the glade.

GOD:                                      What’s with all the commotion down here?  Who set off the meteorological alarm?

EVE:                                       (RETREATING) It’s ... It’s Adam.

GOD:                                      Lady, I ain’t falling for that one again.

ADAM:                                   There’th thomething thtuck in my fwoat!  I thwear I can’t bweathe!

GOD:                                      What’s the matter with him?

EVE:                                       He’s ... He’s eaten something that doesn’t agree with him.

GOD:                                      What, the political wing of the chimpanzees’ tea party?  Adam, what’s the matter with you?

ADAM:                                   I’fe got thomething thtuck in my fwoat!

GOD:                                      What did he say?  I ain’t too fluent in gibberish.

EVE:                                       He’s got ... something ... stuck in his throat.

GOD:                                      He has?  Maybe it’s an apology; let him choke awhile - it’ll do me good.

ADAM:                                   I thwear I can’t bweathe!

GOD:                                      What’s he been eating, his own words?

ADAM:                                   Haf thome merthy here!  I’m choking for goodneth thake!           

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) He’s joking?  I come all this way for him to spit out an apology and he’s joking?  Ay-ya-ya!

EVE:                                       Shall I hit him with something?

GOD:                                      How about a lawsuit for misrepresentation?

ADAM:                                   Pleathe can thomebody do thomething pleathe?! I can’t bweathe here!

GOD:                                      So go breathe someplace else.  What’s he been gnawing on, his funny bone?

ADAM:                                   It’th thith damn fwuit!

F/X:                                                    a swirling rustle of leaves.

god picks up the half-eaten apple.

GOD:                                      Thith damned fwuit?

ADAM:                                   Yeth!!

GOD:                                      BUT THIS IS THE FOYBIDDEN FWUIT!!!!

F/X:                                                    snippet of ‘The Omen’ music.

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) I’m gonna have to get that thunder fixed.  (BEAT) Was this you, Goytrude?

EVE:                                       (NERVOUS) You told me it would kill us. But I’m still alive.  You misled us.  I ate it and I’m still breathing!          

ADAM:                                   That’th more than can be thaid for me!

GOD:                                      Oh, Goytrude, Goytrude … Have you any idea what you’ve done?        

EVE:                                       Opened our eyes?

GOD:                                      It woulda been safer if you’d opened Pandora’s Box!  Is this how you repay me for breathing life into you?

ADAM:                                   Ethcuthe me!  Heddo?  I’m going dithy over here!

GOD:                                      Is this my reward for taking you under my wing?  Does defiance and betrayal come naturally to you, Lady? What’s the matter with you?

EVE:                                       You kept things from us.

GOD:                                      What can I say?  I’m a selfish God.

EVE:                                       I ... know everything ... now.

F/X:                                                    lots of choking.

GOD:                                      So give him the Heimlich manoeuvre!

F/X:                                                    suction followed by a pop.

ADAM:                                   Th-thanks.

GOD:                                      Don’t thank me; the din was giving me a headache.

ADAM:                                   (LOW) Hey.  Is my throat supposed to feel like this?

EVE:                                       Lucy was right.  You hid the truth from us all along.

GOD:                                      Lady, you wouldn’t know the truth if it came up and bit you on that dimpled ass of yours.  You wanna know what the truth is?  The truth is you flunked the test.  You bailed out.  You took the easy route.  And now you’re gonna pay the price.  Oh boy.

ADAM:                                   (LOW) I swear my throat shouldn’t feel like this! Eve?

EVE:                                       (BEAT) My God!  What have you done to him?    

GOD:                                      Don’t get excited.  I just gave him a little lumpy thing to remember his duplicity by.

EVE:                                       You didn’t have to disfigure him!

GOD:                                      Just be thankful he didn’t eat the foybidden cactus.  Now that woulda smarted.

F/X:                                                    fake audience: worried coo’s.

EVE:                                       You know something?  You have a real nerve pulling a stunt like this.  (BEAT) Come on, Adam, we’re leaving.

adam:                                   We are?

EVE:                                       Sure we are.  We’re smart now.  We know everything. I think we’ve just about outgrown this place.

GOD:                                      (CLOSE) I warned him about his voracious appetite.  Certainly I did.

ADAM:                                   Gee, honey … I dunno …    

EVE:                                       It’s okay.  We can fend for ourselves now.  Come on, take my hand … that’s it.  You and I are revolting.

GOD:                                      Lady, I coulda told you that without you eating the apple!

adam and eve begin to recede into the distance as they move out of the glade.

ADAM:                                   Honey… I really don’t know about this …

god calls after them.

GOD:                                      You think maybe you’re better off without me?

EVE:                                       I know we’ll be better off without you!  We’ve got each other.  And guess what?  Two’s company!

ADAM:                                   Honey ..?

GOD:                                      Well I’d tell you to be fruitful and multiply, but mathematics ain’t Adam’s strong suit!

EVE:                                       We won’t be coming back!

GOD:                                      Don’t get me excited already!

ADAM:                                   Honey, is this really necessary? ... I mean … Honey? … Honey?

GOD:                                      So long and good riddance!  You know the way out.  First left after the flaming sword.  See how long you last without me!

ADAM:                                   (OFF) But, honey, what about dinner?

EVE:                                       (OFF) Adam.  Relax.  We’re eating out tonight.

ADAM:                                   (OFF) We are?  Swell.  (FADING) There’s this cute little sushi restaurant just opened down by the Euphrates ...

GOD:                                      (PAUSE) And don’t come crying back to me when you destroy the Earth! … You hear me?! … I’m warning you!  Don’t blame me for your own undoing!  You hear me?!  I said you hear me?! … (BEAT) … (CLOSE) Mortals.  Who needs them anyway?  I was better off with the dinosaurs.  I was definitely better off with the dinosaurs.  At least they knew how to put up a good fight.  (BEAT) ... Two’s company?  Who’s that dame trying to kid? (PAUSE).

finally, god lets out a sharp whistle.

GOD:                                      FIDO!!  Here, Fido!  Here, boy! Look what I got … Walkies!

THE END?