Spare Ribs

        Act I (excerpt)

AT RISE :  A flash of light, a peel of thunder, a puff of

           smoke and Robert DeNiro descends into the GLADE,

           coughing and wafting away the annoying vapors. 

           Actually, it's the incarnate figure of GOD             (clearly, HE was much younger way back when, and

           HIS resemblance to any future thespian was purely

           coincidental). Unfortunately for HIM, HE may look  

           like Robert DeNiro but HE sounds just like Mel

           Brooks . . . 

GOD :   Don't get excited.  It's a flying visit.

           (Awkwardly, ADAM, a lean, blonde and fashionably

           stubbled twenty-something - wearing naught but  

           smile and loin cloth - clambers to HIS feet and   

           acknowledges HIS Creator's arrival with a   

           nonchalant wave)

ADAM :  Howdy.

GOD :   Howdy?  What's howdy all of a sudden?  A word before

        doody?  What's the matter with you?  On second

        thoughts, I don't wanna know.

ADAM :  I'm hot.

GOD :   I said I don't wanna know.

ADAM :  I swear it must be over a hundred in the shade.

GOD :   So stay outta the shade.

ADAM :  My lungs feel like they're on fire.  I've been

        calling you all morning.

GOD :   No wonder my ears were burning. What were you

        calling me with, a burnt offering?

ADAM :  All I'm saying is it's not easy getting hold of you

        any more.

GOD :   What can I say? I’m popular. It's a big Universe.

        I'm out a lot.  Supply and demand.  If it suits, you

        can always leave a message on the answer gnome.

ADAM :  You know I hate answer gnomes. They make me nervous.

GOD :   I admit they're a little short. Mostly

        misunderstood, but at least they're harmless.

ADAM :  It's always 'whatta ya want? whatta ya want?'. It

        drives me nuts.

GOD :   So, whatta ya want? On second thoughts, don't answer

        that.

ADAM :  It's this place. It makes me want to scream it's that

        hot.

GOD :   I don't wanna hear this.

ADAM :  I swear, all morning I've been breathing fire.

GOD :   So join a circus.

ADAM :  An egg fell out of a tree last week and landed smack

        on my forehead.  The damned thing fried right where

        it was.  I just stood there with egg all over my

        face!

GOD :   Now you know how I feel. Besides, this ain't hot. 

        This is the Garden of Eden. It’s pleasant. It's

        tropical. It’s poyfect.

ADAM :  Well, I don't like it!

GOD :   You don’t like poyfection? What’s the matter with

        you? What if this is as good as it gets?

ADAM :  Can’t I complain once in a while?

GOD :   Once in a while would be nice.

ADAM :  It’s too hot!

GOD :   You think you're hot, you oughtta trade places with

        Lucifer. Now there's hot.

ADAM :  One thing’s for sure, it can't be any hotter than

        here.

GOD :   You wanna trade places?

ADAM :  I want to be able to go for a stroll without getting

        roasted! Is that too much to ask?

GOD :   You said it.

ADAM :  I want to go out in the midday sun and keep the skin

        on my face.

GOD :   So invent the parasol.

ADAM :  Can't you just turn down the heat or something?

GOD :   While you turn up the heat on me? It's summer, for

        Heaven's sakes! You're in the prime of your life. 

        You oughtta be enjoying yourself. When the ice caps

        advance - which they will - you'll be praying for

        days like these.

ADAM :  Well I'm fed up with days like these! As a matter of

        fact I'm fed up with Eden!

GOD :   You're fed up with Eden?

ADAM :  Damned right I am!

GOD :   More like you're fed up on Eden! Just look at this

        place.  Everywhere you look is looking sparse. What

        did you have for breakfast, Africa? 

ADAM :  Just lately it's too hot. That's all I'm saying. 

        Can't you appreciate my complaint?

GOD :   What's there to appreciate about complaining?

ADAM :  Even the reptiles complain.

GOD :   Listen to you. The human sand lizard. Don't you ever

        take time off?

ADAM :  It's a full-time job just breathing round here.

GOD :   Always you moan. If it's too breezy you moan. If it's

        too dark you moan. You're never pleased unless you're

        moaning. I don't know what your problem is.

ADAM :  I'm just too hot! Okay? Is that a crime? Can't a

        fella complain when he's hot once in a while?

GOD :   Once in a while would be a blessing. Every other

        minute is a curse! Besides, you weren't so hot

        swinging through the trees last weekend.

ADAM :  Hey, that wasn't my fault. Don't try and pin that one

        on me! That wasn’t my fault.

GOD :   So who's fault was it, the tree's?

ADAM :  I swear that branch just popped up from nowhere. 

        Whoosh! From nowhere. I was lucky I didn't break my

        neck. Knocked the wind right out of me.

GOD :   I'm glad to hear something does.

ADAM :  Now that you mention it, my ribs are still hurting

        even now.

GOD :   I didn't mention it.

ADAM :  Maybe I bust a gut.

GOD :   Tell me about it.  On second thoughts, don't. I don't

        wanna listen to any more of your moaning. You could

        moan for Eden. On second thoughts, what am I saying? 

        You do moan for Eden. Poymanently.

ADAM :  It's not my fault. If I had peripheral vision maybe I

        would've seen the tree.

GOD :   Forget it. I have peripheral vision and I don't see

        it coming. You're clumsy. That's all. You should

        exercise more. Build up your co-ordination instead of

        your fat reserves.

ADAM :  Bam!  It came out of nowhere. Whoosh, then bam! A

        branch as big as my leg. Right in my face. I swear it

        wasn't there a second before.

GOD :   Maybe you'd feel better with radar.

ADAM :  Come to think of it I don't even think the tree was

        there a second before.

GOD (to Himself) :  He's moaning. I specifically commanded no

                    moaning.

ADAM :  It popped up, right out of the blue. Like that.

        WHOOSH! From nowhere. Damn!

GOD (to Himself) :  No moaning, I said. I specifically

                    remember. Moaning is out. Period.

ADAM :  I might as well have swung into the cliff.

GOD :   What, again?

ADAM :  It's not funny! I could have brained myself!

GOD :   Intelligent and dangerous? Heaven forbid!

ADAM :  It’s not funny!

GOD :   So who's laughing?

ADAM :  It's happening all the time.

GOD :   That's because you're clumsy all of the time.

ADAM :  I don't mean me. I mean things sprouting up from

        nowhere. Like that tree. Whoosh! From right out of

        nowhere.

GOD :   Guess what? It's supposed to happen all the time.

        It's called Creation. 

ADAM :  It doesn't have to happen right in my face! Things

        keep popping up all over the show. I swear it's not

        safe here any more.

GOD :   Eden ain't safe here any more? You think this is a

        bad neighbourhood. Wait'll you see the Bronx.

        Act II (excerpt)

AT RISE :  The Raquel Welch from the movie  'One Million

           Years BC' is searching the GLADE, looking and

           calling for HER soulmate.  Actually, it's EVE and

           SHE is a slim, twenty-something brunette, with    

           intense gaze and sultry composure.  Fortunately   

           for ADAM, SHE looks nothing like a cactus with  

           it's needles pulled . . .  

EVE (shouting) :  Aaadam? Aaaaadam! Yo, Aadam! Where in Eden

                  are you?

           (As SHE pauses her search, hands planted on hips,

           GOD appears in a whorl of golden smoke)

GOD :   I gotta get that fixed.

EVE :   Adaam!

GOD :   What’s with all this noise already? It's Sunday. 

        Can’t a Creator have a lie in? I can hear you all the

        way over the other side of Pluto for Heaven’s sakes.

EVE :   It's Adam.

GOD :   Do my eyes deceive me? You sure don’t look like Adam.

        Okay, so I’ve been calling him Nancy lately. If that

        makes me a name-caller, what does that make him?

EVE :   Do I look like Adam?

GOD :   Aye, ya, ya. You know something? If Adam looked this

        good I woulda kept him singular. That’s the truth. 

        Now that you mention it you kinda look like that babe

        of his. What's your name ... Goytrude?

EVE :   Oh, please! Not the Gertrude thing. Please don't

        start that again!

GOD :   Cut me some slack here; I wasn't finished from the

        last time. To me, you look like a Goytrude.

EVE :   You know perfectly well what my name is! It just

        sticks in your throat, that's all.

GOD :   I don't remember you being called Mucus. Goytrude

        maybe. But never Mucus. 

EVE :   Go on. Get it off your chest. You won't be happy 'til

        you've got me out of your system.

GOD :   Lady, I won't be happy 'til I got you outta my solar 

        system! Ain’t that the truth.

EVE :   That’s a downright low and nasty thing to say. Do you

        realise how nasty you are with me? Nasty for no

        reason. All of the time. On the nasty scale of one to

        ten you’re already at nine!

GOD :   If it makes you happy I’ll keep working at it. 

        Poyfection’s my aim.

EVE :   I wouldn’t want you to put yourself out! Eden knows

        how fussy you are with your miracles! Now if you’ll

        excuse me I’m looking for Adam.

           (As SHE resumes HER search, GOD inspects the

           GLADE with a wrinkled nose)

GOD :   You live here? You actually live in this dump? Don't

        you ever clean this place up? Look at this mess. The

        pigs have better table manners.

EVE :   We like it. It’s homely.

GOD :   This is homely? Chintz is homely. This is some new

        meaning of the word squalor I never knew before.

EVE :   Go ahead. Rip the place to pieces.

GOD :   Maybe I would, but somebody beat me to it. Just look

        at this place. A dung beetle would think twice before

        coming through here.

EVE :   You know, once in a while it would be nice to have

        you say something nice to me for a change. Instead of

        trying to insult me all the time.

GOD :   Insult you? Is that what you think this is? I don't

        try and insult you all the time if that’s what you

        think. More often than not it comes naturally. 

        Besides, if I wanted to insult you I woulda said your

        hair's a mess.

EVE :   You just did.

GOD :   Babe, I rest my case.

EVE :   BABE?! BABE!! Are you really trying your best to

        insult me?

GOD :   Trust me, if I tried my best you'd know about it. It

        would be raining insults. By now you’d be knee deep

        in love handle gibes and big butt butts. Mind if I

        sit down?

EVE :   Go ahead. Pick your hummock. Why should it matter if

        I mind?

           (A little dubiously, HE picks HIS spot to sit)

GOD :   You know you're absolutely right. It don't matter

        what you mind. You know why? You know why you’re

        right it don’t matter what you mind?

EVE :   I’ve got a feeling you’re going to tell me!

GOD :   Because you've got an attitude, lady. That's why it

        don’t matter.

EVE :   Because I've got an attitude?? Give me a break!

GOD :   Not while I’m God. I gave Adam a break and look where

        it landed me. I doubled my misfortune over night.

EVE :   Gripe all you like, you can’t deny I’m the best thing

        that’s ever happened to Adam. He was lost ‘til I came

        along. Aimless.

GOD :   Remind me to add that one to his growing list of

        ‘lesses’.

EVE :   A wandering sole crying out for companionship, with

        no knowledge of himself.

GOD :   Be warned: Knowledge is a dangerous thing. 

        Especially in Adam’s hands. Give him an inch and

        he’ll call it six.

EVE :   Whereas, you had him brainwashed.

GOD :   And I live to regret it; his brain, it shrunk

        tenfold.

EVE :   Adam was feeling empty within.

GOD :   With his appetite?

EVE :   I gave him direction.

GOD :   You gave him orders.

EVE :   I gave him a reason to exist.

GOD :   So I’ve been replaced already?

EVE :   All I’m saying is I opened his eyes!

GOD :   Lady, you opened my  eyes!

EVE :   And your trouble is you can’t stand it. Look at you.

        You can’t stand the fact I’ve replaced you in Adam’s

        favor! Adam worships me! And you despise me for it

        when you really ought to be compassionate!

GOD :   Infatuation is a passing thing. When he’s done with

        you he’ll come creeping back to me with his tail

        between his legs.

EVE :   You underestimate me!

GOD :   Lady, I underestimated my own creativity! What was I

        thinking? Instead of making you shameless I shoulda

        made you mouth-less.

EVE :   Admit it. For once. Your overprotection stifles him.

        I realize it must be difficult for you, but you’ve

        got to learn to let go.

GOD :   Next time you’re swinging through the trees - that

        long bit above the ravine - take your own advice.

EVE :   It doesn’t take a genius to see that Adam is fine

        without you.

GOD :   You’re right; I never saw it.

EVE :   Will you listen to me?!

GOD :   You never listen to me!

EVE :   Adam doesn’t have a problem!

GOD :   And who said miracles were out of fashion!

EVE :   It’s no use; I’m not making any sense here am I?

GOD :   Lady, I got bad news for you: Even when you think

        you’re being level headed you still never make any

        sense. I think I got the hormones imbalanced.

        Act II (excerpt)

AT RISE :  EVE is half hidden in foliage, impatiently

           awaiting ADAM’s return.  Since eating the     

           forbidden fruit, HER formally smoldering gaze has            been replaced by a look that borders on resentment            cum paranoia. It is a wild and slightly worried   

           look that has HER on edge, fidgety - as if SHE  

           expects divine retribution to bear down on HER at

           any second . . .

ADAM :  Honey, I’m home.

           (As ADAM enters, EVE jumps to HER feet and drags

           HIM into the shelter of the trees - where SHE

           proceeds to give HIM a customary quick kiss. 

           Then, clinging, SHE stares at HIM with frantic  

           eyes)

ADAM (continued) :   Excuse me; I think I got the wrong

                     glade. If my wife catches me with you

                     she’ll skin me alive.

EVE :   Adam.  Where have you been? I was worried. You’re

        late. I was expecting you an hour ago. Where have you

        been? I was worried!

ADAM :  Calm down, honey. Calm down. I’m home now. What’s got

        you all worked up like this?

EVE :   Did anyone follow you home?

ADAM :  Just a few lemmings. The usual roadies. You know the

        score.

EVE :   Adam, I thought something terrible had happened!

ADAM :  I hate to tell you this, honey, but something

        terrible did happen. A few of us dropped into the

        watering hole on the way home, and I got talked into

        buying the drinks again. Damned cheetahs.

EVE :   Did anyone see you?

ADAM :  I tried to hide it. But I swear some gators playing

        pool saw me.

EVE :   No, I mean, after that. Did you run into anyone on

        the way home?

ADAM :  Not tonight, honey. Yesterday I ran into a sloth

        crossing the trail. I said I was sorry. The poor

        thing was knocked out cold.

EVE :   What about work?  Was everything there . . . normal?

ADAM :  Apart from the lions putting the wolves in as middle

        management, I suppose it depends on what you call

        normal. I swear that place is going to the dogs.

           (SHE seems to relax HER wariness a little - though

           SHE still exhibits clear signs of paranoia)

EVE :   So everything was okay . . . do you think?

ADAM :  Milk yield was down fifteen percent, third day

        running.

EVE :   You didn’t have any surprise visits?

ADAM :  Honey, is this leading to something? Did I forget the

        weekly anniversary of our first kiss again?

EVE :   No. No. I just think they work you too hard, Adam.

        That’s all.

           (HE hangs up his sun hat and begins to potter

           around the Glade, sipping at a shell of water)

ADAM :  Tell me about it. You know, once again I had to tell

        those fat cats I won’t milk the cows in full sunshine

        no more while they sit around all day and skim off

        the cream. I hate the way they lap it all up while I

        do all the hard work. Gee, something smells good

        round here. 

EVE :   I think you should quit.

ADAM :  Honey, I’d loved to quit. What is that smell?

EVE :   I’ve been thinking . . . we’d be better off going our

        own way.

ADAM :  On my celery?

EVE :   I’ve been saving for a rainy day.

ADAM :  In this heat? You’re gonna be saving a long time,

        honey. Gee, that smell’s making my stomach rumble.

EVE :   All the same I think it’s time you quit.

ADAM :  You and I both know quitting's my specialty. But

        good jobs are in short supply. Remember I could’ve

        won king of the quitters pageant if I hadn’t pulled

        out at the last minute?

EVE :   Did you at least ask about the raise?

ADAM :  Sure I did.

EVE :   And?

ADAM :  They said if I want to elevate my position in the

        company I should sit on a rock.

EVE :   Don’t you think that’s outrageous?

ADAM :  Sure. I prefer a log.  What’s for dinner?

end of excerpts